Should all happiness come from the Self?

Q: Do you think all happiness is supposed to come from the Self? And do you think we should feel happy all the time when we are connected with our most spiritual selves? Thanks. :)

A: To the first question, no. I think that’s a very harmful ideology to have, and it is demonstrably false. The key word that makes my answer to your first question, “no”, is the word all. When you’re having intense chest pains, you aren’t supposed to feel “happy” about it (all nihilistic joking aside)… Nor are you supposed to sit there and try to generate happiness or find solutions for the discomfort inside your head. You’re supposed to be aware of the pain, recognize that a problem exists, and go seek help from an expert. When a loved one passes on, part of you could be happy they are out of any pain they experienced or could just be at peace with their transition, but I wouldn’t exactly call that experience “happy” even with those mixed feelings present. There are times to mourn and be sad… and even angry! Those are appropriate responses to certain stimuli. In these experiences, you’re most likely going to seek comfort from outside sources (not the self) such as books, podcasts, people, friends, relatives, and experts in health, grief, and recovery. This is very normal and healthy. (Also, most spiritualists recommend going into nature to feel better… that’s also an example of seeking happiness outside the self.)

I think the whole “happiness should only come from self” concept came from people who don’t want to be held accountable for the things they do to others. It’s another way of saying, “No matter what I do to you, you should still be cheerful and pleasant about it.” It, sadly, can also keep people from seeking the help they need. In the spiritual communities I’ve been privy to, I have seen the aftermath of people flat out getting SA’ed or having something else terrible happen to them… Then, the perpetrator or their friends, who are not strangers to the happiness games, will try to silence the person with, “Your happiness is your responsibility, not mine. Nothing I do should make you feel this out of balance.” And yes, that really happens. There are also blanket statements for any negative experience someone goes through: “You are in control of your reality…  You can feel happy right now if you really want to… If you just shift your focus, then you can experience heaven right now…” etc. I don’t think I need to really explain why this is a problem or why we shouldn’t succumb to Pollyanna syndrome, always playing the ”glad” game.

Humans have evolved to co-regulate, which means that it is okay to seek happiness in our community. It is also perfectly alright to feel negative emotions (I tackled a big chunk of that one in my “Women are Angry” blog post) and hold others accountable for their actions. Obviously, there is individual responsibility involved with inputs and outcomes in life and there is some personal responsibility when it comes to one’s own happiness, but it should not rest entirely on the shoulders of the individual. We live in a world full of (out of control) capitalism, poverty, disease, sexism, racism, ableism, xenophobia, wars, and every other problem under the sun you can think of. It is unfair to ask people to just be happy when they are in the throes of any one of those issues. Sure, we have techniques that may help someone calm down and focus on their breathing and gain some clarity, but those aren’t supposed to be band-aid solutions for gaping cultural wounds… They are just supposed to be little lily pads we land on to catch our breath as we solve the bigger problems. Those coping techniques are also supposed to benefit the individual who was hurt, not serve as silencers that preclude a perpetrator from receiving consequences.

At least some of our happiness comes from our environment, and that is normal and healthy. =) You aren’t supposed to “feel happy” while sitting in a forest that is burning down around your ears. You’re supposed to feel the motivation to get out of there and find a way to stop the fire from destroying anything else. If there is someone out in the world who has figured out how to feel happy no matter what then, great. I don’t get it, but great. =) However, it should never be imposed as an overall expectation or ultimatum on others. That is just setting humans up for failure because it isn’t how our brains or bodies are supposed to work. It isn’t fair to ask Black people to find self-sourced happiness all the time while the collective white-supremacist boot still crushes their neck(s). It isn’t fair to ask women to feel happy in and of themselves all the time when they can’t receive basic healthcare and their 12-year-old daughters are in danger of premature death because they can’t receive it either… you know what I’m saying.

Your questions were simple, so I’ll wrap it up this way. Even though some of us are less social than others in a “hang out and talk for funsies” sense, humans are social creatures, meaning that we need each other to survive. Our emotions are like gauges that tell us when something needs to change or when we are at homeostasis. If someone feels happy all the time in the world we have… I’m a little concerned about them, to be honest. I would even go so far as to say that it demonstrates a lack of empathy in many cases. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stand in solidarity with others, feel what they feel, and work with them to heal what hurts. Though I am by no means recommending the Bible as a source of wisdom or overall guidance, even the scripture says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” (Rom. 12:15) Again the Bible is not a great source to seek tons of wisdom from, but this verse: 1. Encourages co-regulation and seems to understand that the self is not the only source for healing and connection. 2. It seems to validate emotions that could be labeled as “negative” in some circles. Since the neo-fundie spiritual movement is in full swing, perhaps this verse will lend my point a little weight in those circles.

Happiness can come from the self sometimes but is not meant to come from the self ALL the time. It’s okay to look for happiness through your relationships, circumstances, and environment. The paths of empathy, compassion, reason, and being in touch with human reality all necessitate experiences where we will not feel happy. You can find peace, yes, and I am happy for everyone who does. <3 We can create bliss, joy, and love in so many ways, but it is vital that we also stay in touch with our humanity and validate the proper emotions warranted by the versatile circumstances that pop up throughout our lifetimes.

Thank you for this great question! There is a lot of narcissistic control and gaslighting embedded in the fabric of the “Self-sourced happiness”  games. It is important that we talk about these things. =)