How do I stay in balance when I am presented with differences or disagreements?
Q: I appreciate your website for being a balanced place where you can be honest about spiritual problems without being hateful. I have a really hard time not getting heated when I’m in a debate or disagreement with someone about spiritual or social issues. Do you have any tips for that?
A: Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It’s really cool that you can identify things about yourself that need improvement. We can all learn from you. <3 Being “heated” is a little ambiguous. If you are simply feeling passionate, that’s not a problem. If you feel angry, that’s okay too! It’s all about how you handle the anger and respond to the other conversationalist. I’m assuming you mean that you sometimes struggle to engage in a temperate or civil manner. We have all been there…. It can be easy to get carried away when a force field of opposition slings a curveball at us. <3
I think the biggest key is remembering to humanize the people you are talking to. I am not suggesting that you platform or center anyone who is being hateful toward you or anyone else, that you let dangerous or hostile people in your personal space, or that you become a doormat, subject to the whims of anyone else’s fancy. What I am suggesting is that in a state of disagreement or in a heated moment, we (you/me/anyone) take a second or two to understand that we are all human. Every single one of us has made a mistake. Every single one of us has been wrong before. (And in a debate, you could be wrong… or more likely you don’t have everything 100% right as applied to every situation across the board.) In the moments when you and I have been wrong, I know that we would have appreciated understanding, compassion, and kindness before the other person jumped down our throats. Instead of a direct attack on our personhood or an instant shunning game, I think we all appreciate a, “That’s a thought-provoking idea. Can you explain it in more depth?” Or, “I cannot say I agree with your position or thought right now, but I would love to come to understand it better. Would you mind explaining how you arrived at your conclusion?”
I talk about some heavy things… I discuss big problems in the new age and spiritual (those are broad terms by the way) communities, but as I’ve said numerous times… The purpose is never to humiliate, wound, or defeat another human. I think that we can be passionate, surefooted, and yes, even angry, without being nasty or deeply harmful to another person. We can identify problems and question another person’s viewpoint thoroughly without acting like they are beneath us. For example, as I discussed internalized misogyny in a couple of my blog posts, I remembered many times when my internalized misogyny took wing or even presented itself openly in communication. Deconstructing such massive cultural programs like that take a lot of time, and I sincerely doubt my personal work is done on that front. We’re all on the same playing field, and I speak to myself as much as I do to anyone else.
My tips are simple, so let me know if you want more detail.
1. Recognize that we are all human. If you go read my “women are angry” blog post, which deals with some heavy topics, I never once suggested that the behaviors I am discussing belong to “bad” or “evil” people. Just because someone says something that is harmful or unhealthy does not mean that they are fundamentally bad. It does not mean they are beyond redemption, recovery, or the reach of a loving community. Most of the people who engaged in the behaviors I discussed have done powerful and beautiful work in the community and in their personal lives as well. <3 They’re normal humans, with flaws and strengths, just like the rest of us. It’s such a good feeling to know that we are not a single mistake we make… For the most part, it is unfair to reduce another human to a single point in time just because they said something problematic. We have all done that in one way or another.
2. I think in any debate or heated situation, there is the temptation to resort to gaslighting, humiliation tactics, name-calling, icing others out, and mobilizing ad hominems (an attack on someone’s character instead of the argument). In those moments, we have to pull back and think: “What is my intention here? Am I seeking the betterment of others, or do I want them to fall and crumble so I can feel like I won?” Taking that moment to refocus can make all the difference in the world. In any community, there can be shunning (“icing out”), bullying, and mudslinging when someone stands in disagreement with the collective opinion. Identifying those flaws in ourselves and finding ways to be warmer, kinder, and more understanding can set us up to find a peaceful resolution… even if the resolution is, “We agree to disagree while still acknowledging each other’s humanity.” When reacting/responding to someone else’s thoughts, opinions, or mistakes, are we reacting with harmful behaviors ourselves? Sometimes we have to be rigorous or firm, but are we being arrogant in the process?
3. I am not telling you to justify toxic behaviors. There are always places for justice, accountability, call-ins, call-outs, and consequences (positive or negative). What I am saying is that it can be hard to conceptualize just how different all our lives are… Yes, most of us have eaten pizza and known joy and heartbreak, but our upbringings, influences, icons, heroes, struggles, accomplishments, challenges, and opportunities can vary widely from person to person and culture to culture. Taking time to place yourself, to the best of your ability, into the shoes of other people as often as possible (You can start out with something as simple as people watching or exploring other personalities through fiction books.) can work wonders for increasing the bandwidth(s) of your mind and compassion. Sometimes the truth is that we have no idea what it really feels like to be someone else… We must stay humble and honest with ourselves regarding our own limitations as well as our potential for growth. Sometimes we just have to say, “I’m not sure I’ll ever truly know what it is like to be you, but I will still utilize compassion and temperance as I consider your personhood and opinions.”
4. Understand that just because we are presented with “difference” does not mean we have to go to war. Not every disagreement is rooted in toxicity or hostility. Just because we do not like something does not mean that it is wrong. Just because we do not like another opinion does not mean that our opinion is wrong either! Christians are not better than atheists. Women are not fundamentally better than men. Men are not fundamentally better than women. Nonbinary humans are not better than people who only identify as one aspect of the gender binary. Vegans are not “more spiritual” than omnivores. Just because I like waffles does not mean you are wrong for loving pancakes. Diversity is beautiful. We need to learn to respect and appreciate it as often as we can.
5. Lastly, I would say that it is important to recognize that not all human brains are structured the same way. Again, I am not justifying any harmful behaviors someone may adopt due to their brain structure, but things as simple as abnormalities in a person’s amygdala can make a literal world of difference in how their life goes. Yes, our brains have this cool ability to heal and change (somewhat), which is called neuroplasticity, but there are some things that remain more static throughout our physical incarnation. Some people are born with brain structures that cause them to deviate from what most of us consider normal or healthy or “good.” We can seek clarification and understanding through this lens, but we can do it without justifying or excusing criminal acts. The older I get (I know, I know I’m only 30… but…) the more I am aware that many things can be true at once. Do your best to learn how to weigh and consider those co-occurrences of “truth” even if they seem to contradict each other at first. Do your best to understand something from as many points of view as possible before passing judgment or arriving at a conclusion. I love to recommend the book called Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert Sapolsky for a fascinating look at the role of biology in our behavior in greater depth. (Is our behavior always changeable? Or are there elements within our biology and experiences that create some degree of determinism? Are some people victims of their biology? How much “choice” or free will do we truly have based on physical limitations?) =)
It's about balance. We have all been wrong, we have all been right. We have all been humble, we have all been prideful. We can all do better while retaining some compassion for our fallibility and imperfections. We can love each other and give each other room for growth, change, and mistakes, though it is sometimes okay to burn bridges and cut dangerous people out of our lives. We can call out or call in with mercy and accept those same things when they are directed toward ourselves with grace as well. None of us are above criticism or correction, but we can also employ those tools with integrity and patience. The goal is to facilitate growth, build community and connection where possible, and appreciate differences wherever and whenever we can. <3