Does having a self-defense weapon invite violence into my life?

Q: Hi Elle! I’m a woman and I recently bought a self-defense weapon because I have had so many bad things happen to me over the years, almost always because of men. In my spiritual group I have faced a lot of backlash for it and I am constantly told that I am, “Inviting violence in” because I carry. What are your opinions on this? It’s men and women criticizing me about it, but the men get the most upset which makes me uncomfortable. Did I make a bad decision?

A: I am so sorry you’re seeing such a lack of support in your group. <3 Even though we as “spiritually focused” people often seek each other’s opinions on things like this, the environment can get very controlling very quickly. That sounds like what is happening here. No one should be getting angry about a personal choice you made to keep yourself safe. That is a massive red flag. The men getting so upset about it is scary too… It almost has that, “Let down your defenses so I don’t feel threatened,” vibe. Good men/people will never feel threatened by your desire to keep yourself safe. They will not take it as a threat to themselves unless they have bad intentions. Keeping people vulnerable so that we feel more spiritual is not normal at all.

I have experienced something like this before too with the Law of Attraction acting as a supposed “resource” or citation for why I am wrong to seek self-protective measures. Unfortunately, the control tactics and manipulation of (usually women’s) behavior are very common in spiritual communities, and the LoA is used to place blame on people when bad things happen to them. Engaging in the “inviting it in” rhetoric sounds like repackaged “asking for it” victim blaming that dismisses a person’s experiences and places the “fault” on the victim while justice is discarded. The LoA is supposed to be a very loose energetic concept that mimics the golden rule and encourages people to think about how their actions can affect others and come back to them, but it is often misconstrued and weaponized against people for experiencing aspects of the human world that could happen to any of us. You have been through a lot in your life as you said and have already experienced violence. I would be far more concerned if you didn’t want to protect yourself from future problems. I am so glad you took the steps to do what will keep you on the planet longer. <3

Of course, we never want to “choose violence,” but in our world, we sometimes have to if we want to stay safe. I think the new age and spiritual communities sometimes try to skip steps by saying that we can resolve anything peacefully and without conflict. We aren’t there yet lol. Some people only speak the language of power, control, domination, and pain, and the only thing that will discourage them from harming you is the threat of greater harm. I know many people in spirituality do not like to talk about that, but such is the world we live in right now. I can meditate with mermaids and the undine muse, Isaphil, all I want to, but no amount of meditation is going to stop the guy with violence as his MO in life from doing what he wants in the grocery store parking lot if he feels he can get away with it. The meditation and mental focus approach especially does not work if I am in a situation where I have 3 seconds to react and have not known the person or meditated on them previously. If we can avoid conflict or violence, that is what we always want to do. Self-defense classes will always teach you that. But women+/AFAB/ feminine-presenting people are put into unwanted situations at an escalated rate where we cannot always avoid people’s dangerous intentions. Therefore, we make choices to keep ourselves safe. I cannot tell you how many times a predatory person has been approaching me with an obvious desire to do something outside the realm of integrity, and my “friend” on my hip has made them do a prompt 180. If anything, my choice has helped me avoid violence and stop bad things from happening. That is what we want.

My thought is, good for you. I am so happy you have the wherewithal to understand why your safety is important. I would encourage you to take self-defense training classes if you can and to make sure you are as well-trained as possible with any “deterrents” you carry with you. As someone who has nearly been human trafficked as recently as a year ago (not in Sedona) and has dealt with major stalking and predatory advances from men since I was 4, I actively encourage women, nonbinaries, and anyone who has experienced a scary situation to seek training and have a plan.  We want to walk the earth with peace whenever we can… But to do that, we have to be able to walk the earth. =)