Is it limiting to try to be feminine or masculine instead of expanding beyond those identities?

Q: Do you think that it is unhealthy to try to be feminine or masculine instead of expanding beyond those things? Are we holding ourselves back as a collective? Thanks Elle. :)

A: In and of itself, no. The “try” part of your question is a little ambiguous. If you mean it in a way where you are finding ways to be who you really feel like on the inside or finding what aligns with your perception of self, I think that’s super healthy! If you are trying to be someone you aren’t just because it is “what is accepted” I think you are doing your inner self a disservice. (Exceptions are applied for people who have to perform femininity to keep themselves safe. While this is a horrible thing to have to do if it doesn’t represent one’s true self, it is sadly the reality of many queer people and, especially, Black people and non-white people in general.)

It is important to understand that feminine and masculine social structures, as they present themselves on planet earth, do not represent universal truths. They are little vehicles for us to experience while we are here, but they are just tiny slivers within the massive sphere of Everything. On earth, what is “traditionally” feminine or masculine is often rooted in as many patriarchal harmful things as good things. What is “feminine” and “masculine” within the accepted binary co-constitutions is always changing too! From decade to decade and century to century we see different manifestations of those containers. To me, it does sound strange to resonate so deeply with the human idea of masculine or feminine, but that is because I am nonbinary! It does not mean that other people are wrong for wanting to live those things out. I think everyone should feel free to define themselves and decide, not just whether they are masculine or feminine or something else, but to also decide what masculine and feminine and everything else looks like for them! Maybe what I call nonbinary, someone else calls their “feminine.” I think that is really cool. =)

It is essential to be introspective, and I think that humans often limit themselves when they don’t consider who they really are versus who they have been “primed” by society to be. However, my real problem with gender will never be someone conforming to or resonating with traditional roles or identities. If that is what you want, go for it! My issue is when people (like some of the trad wives and neo-fundamentalists or really anyone who is out of balance) come in and tell everyone else that they are wrong for their choices… Or when they try to make a person’s identity a political issue that can be controlled or inhibited by law. I think the institutional underpinnings of gender need to be abolished, but not the identities themselves. I think the pursuit of personal happiness and the right to claim one’s own identity is incredibly important.

Recognizing and validating identities other than our own is respectful, permissive, and loving. If someone gets angry, we don’t need to gaslight them and tell them that they aren’t “in their feminine.” That is incredibly arrogant and presumptive (just as one example). I wrote a massive article discussing the “women are angry” nonsense going around right now in spiritual circles. We don’t get to define what feminine means for someone else, and weaponizing gender/gender roles/gender identities to keep people in a personality profile (or behavioral range) that we prefer is hateful (and perhaps a form of baneful magic!). That also includes little microaggressions in our speech and behaviors, not just outright banning of other identities. If you want to be a trad wife, go be a trad wife. If you feel like you are agender, embrace that! If you like lavender cookies, have them when you want them. Be free, but don’t tell others that they can’t act on their own autonomy too.

I tend to be long-winded as an autistic person who tries to be as clear as possible about everything and has a habit of info-dumping haha. Summed up, live and let live. Respect other identities, and use the proper pronouns for others because that is how we show love for other people’s personhood(s). You can do this and claim the power and freedom to choose those things for yourself as well. Someone else expressing themselves differently from you or me does not erase our own identities or threaten who we are. When we allow others to be who they are without insisting they fit inside one of our little pre-packaged social boxes, we enable true authenticity and inner beauty to emerge. =)