How have you enabled your romantic relationship to thrive and last for so long?
Q: How have you and Chris made your relationship last so long? I believe you’ve been together over a decade and that is SO rare in our time. I’ve heard Sedona is the great “relationship ender” and everyone I knew who moved there in relationships are broken up or divorced now. You are the one power couple who has never wobbled or wavered and whenever I see you guys around town or in a neighboring city, you’re having the best time together. How do you guys do it?
A: Hi there! When I answer this question, keep in mind that I am not judging anyone who is different from us or who has gone through a breakup (or multiples) since moving to Sedona… or spiritual people who end relationships no matter where they live. Everyone is different! What works for us may not work for everyone. However, I am happy to list the key components that I think have been meaningful for us! I will also list a few pitfalls I have observed in spirituality, but I simultaneously understand there is a lot of nuance in relationships, and very few things are meant to be broadly applied to everyone. And yes! We have been formally committed for 10 years now (We handfasted in 2012)! We have known each other since we were kids though. =)
1. We just really like each other haha. We love being in each other’s presence and have a deep respect for one another’s essences. We love doing things together of course, but we also share the same values, which is infinitely more important. We have a beautiful friendship and love to work, play, and simply exist together. We like geeking, nerding, and just having a good old human time! It’s one of those deep connections that cannot be outgrown or competed with… having a good time together never gets old. <3
2. Our relationship is not and has never been based on sex. Yes, for those who are curious, we have a great sex life, but it has never been the crux of our connection. If it is important to someone to have a highly sexually charged relationship, then they should go for it! Something I do see in Sedona though is that many people base their whole relationship on sex…. Even if they make it spiritual. I’ve also heard a lot of acephobic/ableist stuff where many spiritualists believe you cannot be spiritually actualized, or you cannot be deeply connected unless you’re having regular sex with someone. That is just false. Relationships based entirely on sex are almost always doomed for failure. Furthermore, neither of us believe that sex is an essential component to any relationship we are in, though it’s a fun bonus. That congruence is really cool, and we are aware that we are lucky to be on the same page.
3. Our relationship is also not based on our “spirituality.” Again, if spirituality is incredibly important to someone in a relationship, that is valid! But sometimes people in Sedona get a little rigid and insist that their partner must be identical to them in almost every spiritual way to be compatible. Chris and I are very similar in our interests, but if one of us were to ever deviate far from the current essence, we would still be together, because it doesn’t comprise the foundation of our relationship. In my opinion, relationships based on mutual respect are much more important that relationships based on spiritual similarity. I realize some things are total dealbreakers if a belief or practice is toxic, but I am just speaking in general here.
4. We are very discerning and choose our friends and close connections wisely. We set our lives up to be drama free and only choose people who respect and uplift us as a couple. If someone starts attempting to cause division (this has happened a lot since there are people who want to invade the relationship and/or be with either one or both of us lol), they are given one warning. If the problem persists, they are no longer welcome in our lives. Sedona also has very predatory older people who prey on younger people, so we always establish clear boundaries and expectations when we engage with new hoomans! We steer clear of those who try to speak into our relationship without permission (common in Sedona with all the spirituality “experts”), and we keep our private lives private.
5. I’ll keep it to five things even though it’s hard haha. Honestly, we’re just happily committed. I’ve observed a lot of couples in the spiritual community who always keep this open-ended clause in their relationship: “If someone better comes along, I’ll go be with that person.” While I get the logic… Don’t stay in relationships that make you unhappy or that go toxic… I think it’s used a little too liberally. I think if you’re always looking for a reason to move on, you’ll eventually find one, especially if you’re the personality type who really thrives on temporary thrills and “new” things. For people like me and Chris who are naturally commitment-oriented, this vibe just does not resonate for us. But that’s us. It’s pure pleasure for us to be together and we have a relationship founded on deep respect, friendship, and honesty. My perspective is to never settle and to not accept anything that erodes your joy, but also, don’t be looking for “something better” once you’ve found your person (or people) if you are looking for long-term commitment. If you’re always looking for something better while wanting a committed relationship, you either need to do some inner work or choose your partner(s) more wisely. No one in a committed relationship deserves to be with someone always looking for “better.” They deserve to be with someone who is willing to create it with them. Commitment never looks like emotional bondage… It looks like showing up for your favorite person (or people) every day because it is the best thing ever. =)
I hope that helps! Relationships don’t always look like being monogamous or committed in marriage/handfasting/lifelong partnerships, and that is okay! Since your question was oriented toward the commitment experience though, I tailored my answer to speak into that energy. Thank you for the question!