Developing Discernment: A Crash Course for Community Health and Personal Safety

TW: The following article contains a discussion regarding MAPs and some challenges with them in Sedona. While MAP is NOT a valid identity or a term I like to use, I post it here so that people with sensitivity to these topics can choose whether to engage with this writing or not without experiencing psychological harm during the evaluative process. I use the proper term for these people below but slightly censor the word, not for their convenience, but for yours.  Reducing the power of a word to a more palatable sound bite can be incredibly harmful as it minimizes the power (damage) a person fitting the definition of the word perpetrates in society. Still, the safety of my readers is of utmost importance to me, and I hope this warning and explanation serves to establish my personal leanings on the subject. In personal conversations where I know the other person will not be triggered by my language due to personal trauma, I use much more graphic terms to describe “MAPs” than what I have used below. In conversations with people who have revealed themselves to be MAPs, I do no such censoring since it protects them from accountability and makes them comfortable with their crimes and proclivities.

Discernment Is a Skill We Can All Cultivate

After having lived in a spiritual community for many years, I feel that discernment is one of the most important skills someone will need to develop to maintain spiritual homeostasis and stay well. There are so many good things about living in “conscious” or spiritual communities, but these spaces are also shared by people hoping to prey on some of the natural tendencies that are usually endemic to such powerful containers. The attractive qualities of openness, vulnerability, and journeying to self-awareness are as appealing to predators as they are to genuine spiritual seekers. When we get caught up in the high of discovering who we are, we sometimes let our guards down a little too much and become receptive to information to which we ought to apply a lot more skepticism.

Before I launch into this, I want to say that I hope I do not come across as preachy… We have all lacked discernment, and most likely, good judgment, compassion, and/or empathy at some point in our lives. I 100% include myself in this. Even as a Type 5 (wing 6) on the enneagram, I am human. As prepared as I like to think I am for any given situation, I can still miss things or misinterpret signals. Every observer has a margin of error. As an autistic person with prosopagnosia (an inability to recognize faces), I receive information and feedback in different ways than most people do. Trauma deeply informed my “intuitive” abilities from a young age for sure, and I am really good at reading whether someone has very good or very bad intentions… But the truth is that most exchanges/interactions fall somewhere on the hazy spectrum of not all good and not all bad. Some motivations may be neutral or have gray areas… How do we discern what is right for us or wrong for us when the intentions, desires, and moral character of another person are not always clear-cut? We have all had doubts about whether our intuition is properly calibrated and have most likely trusted the wrong person at some point, but rather than create shame around the concept, I want to help others avoid the pitfalls that can lead to deep trauma and regrets.

Any anecdotes or observations shared are not meant to shame people who have engaged in situations that ended up being traumatic for them or who have been victimized in particular occurrences but are intended to provide real-life examples to demonstrate how easy it is to become someone else’s prey… I also want to communicate how easy it is to reclaim your power and minimize the chance of it happening again in the future! I (sadly) cannot promise anyone lifelong personal safety even when following *generally “good” advice, but hopefully, discussions like these can provide people with some guide rails and help them keep living their happiest and most fulfilling lives. <3

Discernment = Empathy + Judgment + Compassion

First, let’s break down each piece of this equation and determine why, when combined, they add up to how we determine the safe from the unsafe, the good from the bad, the preferred from the unwanted. To be clear, when I discuss discernment in this article, I am mainly focusing the intention of discernment on keeping people out of dangerous situations, but if you also wish to apply it on a personal day-to-day level (Ex: Do I eat this or that? Do I give my energy to this task or that one?), then that is awesome too.

Empathy is the first part of the discernment equation because it is where almost all of us start. Empathy may be difficult for a very small part of the population to grasp, but most of us, at some point in time have felt the pain or happiness of another. That’s all empathy is: “I feel what you feel.” It can also be applied as: “I think what you think,” when it manifests as cognitive empathy or can look like: “I can imagine why you feel that way even though I am not directly feeling it myself right now.” Empathy is much more neutral than most people expect because it is often confused with the idea of compassion (which we will get to in a moment). We have “normal empaths” who have the good of others at heart, but we also have the insidious entity known as the “dark empath.” Some dark empaths really do feel what other people feel or think what other people think, but without any warmth or further concern backing up that experience. They use the information they receive from others to get what they want and exploit people for personal gain. Other dark empaths or psychopaths are fantastic at faking empathy to gain the trust of others, even though they don’t actually feel much of anything. Empathy in and of itself is a starting point with branches coming off it, which determine whether the empathy is a healing tool or a weapon.

Next, is judgment. This is a scary word in spiritual circles because we have come to equate “judgment” as an automatic bad thing or an indicator of a mean-spirited person with a closed mind. It is true that judgment can be weaponized as well, especially in narcissistic situations where judgment is wielded harshly against others to protect the experience of self-grandiosity. Judgment is necessary for our survival as a species though! Our prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that finishes developing around age 25/26) literally helps us think more about our actions beforehand and make better choices! Judgment says, “That mushroom is not able to be identified, so I probably should not taste it.” =) Judgment as a lens to be used to evaluate the safety, efficacy, utility, desirability, and morality of anything in our personal sphere is a necessary and appropriate tool for everyone to develop. It is also okay to use judgment as a lens by which to determine whether someone else is acting in accordance with our highest good or not. Spiritual communities can develop a phobia of “judging” others, and in some ways, they are really just trying to keep people from experiencing hate for innocuous things, but sometimes it gains a little too much momentum and teaches people to gaslight their own observations. Judgment is all about formulating your opinion of someone or something based on observations or information you have received. It is not inherently dark or sadistic but is an important evolutionary skill we all need to survive and thrive! Without stating a problem or drawing a conclusion, we cannot formulate a good solution.

Lastly, compassion enters the room… I put it last because compassion is most effective after one has had an empathetic and judgmental experience surrounding a situation or stimulus. This is because compassion is all about action. It starts as the desire to alleviate someone else’s suffering or participate in their joy, and it finds ways to do so! Compassion brings warmth to an otherwise “cool” equation. Empathy is mirroring, judgment is evaluating, but compassion is all about finding the most loving and beneficial solution for everyone, which is why it is my favorite part. =) Some people use empathy and compassion interchangeably, and I understand why with our colloquial definitions of empathy often being afforded a certain level of godhood or psychism, but in my experience, they are very different things. Compassion does not always have to take the form of comfort for everyone since its role is to sometimes seek justice. Compassion understands that sometimes justice has to come before peace or healing and will take the necessary steps to anchor it into the process. It is also worth noting that justice can be part of the process of healing sometimes and does not necessarily have to remain distinct- its function will be situational.

If any of these elements are lacking in someone’s discernment, the whole skill can be thrown off or imbalanced. Empathy plus judgment can be appropriate in clinical settings but is not at all useful in creating justice and accountability (We need compassion for that.). Empathy and compassion all on their own are uninformed and lack the appropriate information to find good solutions. We can’t problem solve without stating a problem. Compassion and judgment without empathy have skipped the “gathering information” step and may be missing crucial points needed during the evaluative stages. Discernment is defined in religious and spiritual precincts as a “spiritual gift” but no one is born with the skill set fully intact and functional. When I was interacting with the outskirts of the pentecostal movement before leaving home, discernment was being presented as an innate gift from god, rather than something to be refined, which is completely unrealistic. It is okay if it takes time to develop your potential in this realm! Discernment is a skill set that evolves over time alongside brain development, life experience, and practice.

Put It All Together

Online, the definition of discernment is regarded as a “keenness of insight and good judgment.” The keenness of insight part is what gets a little ambiguous. This is where we add in empathy (to gain insight) and compassion, which figures out how to bring wholeness or healing to the situation.

Step 1: Feel what another feels. Reflect another person’s thoughts in your own head. Imagine that your mind is like the sky, open and simply receiving what passes through. (Is it a bird? A plane? A cloud?) Do your best to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes. This will give you some valuable insights into their desires and motivations… The trick is that you have to learn to do it without putting too much “you” into it!

2. Evaluate what was received. What are your observations after experiencing empathy and looking at the person/situation from as many angles as possible? Write them down or list them if it helps you to see them all grouped together. If any judgments are particularly “good” or “bad” what are the justifications for them? Do they appear just because you want those things to be that way or because there is some good evidence for your perceptions? Do not dismiss your observations, but do your best to evaluate them critically.

3. Act with compassion. Compassion does not automatically mean fawning or doing a whole, “Poor baby, poor you… I feel so bad,” routine. Compassion acts based on the insights gleaned via empathy and the conclusions drawn through judgment. It is mutable and will fit each situation or response uniquely. Sometimes compassion will remove a dangerous person from an environment, and it will seek justice (Transformative justice is something to look into.) rather than immediately jumping to hugs and kisses.

Pitfalls and Potentials of Empathy

Every virtue or skill has its weak points or imbalances, and it is important to point them out, so they can be mitigated properly. In general, the two pitfalls of empathy I see most often are: 1. Thinking it is enough to provide discernment or wisdom all on its own when it (empathy) is just a way of viewing people and the world. Empathy is a fantastic lens to bring clarity to a situation, but ultimately it is passive and isn’t a great problem solver by itself. It lacks the critical thinking skills and tools of analysis to determine the validity of what one is experiencing. It helps us perceive things as they are in their highest form, but does not do a very good job of questioning how those things arise or whether they are beneficial or problematic. A mirror isn’t very smart. It just reflects what is in front of it. If you are aware of this, you can avoid getting stuck in the lower-density versions of empathy where pity rules and critical thinking flounders. As Dr. Sherrie Campbell has said on various podcasts: “If you want to be an empath, then be one, but be an educated empath.”

2. Letting the lines get a little too blurry between “self” and the world. Empathy is great when it is a refined skill, but sometimes it lacks development and takes the, “We are all one,” ideology a little too seriously. We want to find common ground, similarity, and goodness where we can, but we have to make sure not to project ourselves onto the situation or allow the situation/person to project too much onto us. Empathy is an evaluative tool, and we have to be careful not to “help it along” with our own love or desires so that the lens remains free of bias or contamination. It is not meant to be rose-tinted. Sometimes empathy shows us ugly things about a person or a situation, and we have to have the inner fortitude to be able to accept what is gleaned.

The potential for empathy is to see everyone and everything as is - the good, the bad, the neutral, and the nebulous in-betweens. Empathy, coupled with some intuitive or psychic DNA, can see a person as they once were, as they are, and as they can or most likely will be based on the “was” and the “is.” I think some of us nerdy starseeds know that these concepts of the “is” and “what will be” are always in flux to some degree, but what if we could relive other people’s memories as if they are our own? What if we could be deeply in touch with another person’s truest desire, one they may not even know how to voice, and help them find the words for it? Empathy when cultivated can lend us those opportunities!

Pitfalls and Potentials of Judgment

Judgment is more straightforward, because it is more functional in evolutionary terms than empathy and compassion, at least in our day-to-day life. We understand why it is important not to drive tired or drunk or walk blindfolded down a busy street since our judgment could be impaired by those things! Since our experiences in the world are subjective, we tailor our conclusions based on what we feel will most benefit us or help us in the world. This is good to some degree but can become a limitation when we get a little too rigid within our moral biome. Being non-religious is not inherently good or bad, but can be “judged” as such when we project our inner sense of right and wrong onto every person around us.

Sometimes we can project bias or prejudice into our judgments without even noticing. For this reason, I suggested writing justifications for one’s conclusions drawn through “observations.” Did you observe it, or did you wish it? (That isn’t meant to be gaslighty. It is meant to help you decide whether you saw, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled something instead of confabulating a memory, which our brains do more often than we think.)

Poor judgment can manifest as too much nonchalance, just as it can express as hostility. Thinking, “It’s not that bad,” when it really is that bad is an example of poor judgment… This aspect of discernment becomes tricky since not everyone’s judgment (observation and conclusion-drawing abilities) is well-calibrated. I think because many people have kind hearts, they forget that judgment does not apply “free passes” to its conclusions, but it also does not apply cruelty. A conclusion is meant to be drawn based on what is, even though I know it can be really hard to be that clinical. There is room for understanding in discernment, but I place that more in the realm of compassion. Judgment determines whether something is good or harmful and can list reasons as to why. It seeks to understand the situation as thoroughly as possible but is not the emotional-support phase of discernment. I do not mean to suggest that judgment cannot lead to action (or a lack of it) - it can and usually does! We typically evaluate someone’s capacity to exhibit “good judgment” based on their actions, but I do not define judgment as action in and of itself. Someone who gets stuck somewhere in the judgment phase without action or compassion will struggle to find appropriate solutions or responses to challenges. Either they won’t act at all or their actions/solutions will not be appropriate for the situation. When we draw conclusions, we usually start formulating a plan right away so that we can reach a resolution point, but the plan needs to undergo scrutiny and be judged for quality! There are some situations that are more clinical and don’t require compassion because no warmth or justice is needed, but since my focus is on community safety and growth, compassion will almost always be part of the equation.

 Someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent will have a different gauge than someone who grew up in a family who loved them and encouraged their passions and dreams! Both will have strengths and weaknesses. It can take work to draw conclusions based on what is rather than basing them on what we want something (or don’t want something) to be. Trauma and shadow work are essential for setting this aspect up for success. It is also important to really know yourself well and become aware of any internal biases, prejudices, or “comfort blanket fallacies” we use to justify the things we experience or protect ourselves with.

Judgment in balance facilitates conclusions that are congruent with the observations or data that informed their existence. Good judgment means that justice can be sought, problems can be identified (and therefore fixed), and the good things in our world can be utilized for our pleasure and benefit! Judgment lists the problem to be solved accurately (or the good stuff to be appreciated!) so that the best solution can be found afterward. Judgment can lead to action but is primarily concerned with finding definitions and making statements. “This situation arose because a,b, and c happened. This was harmful to our community because it caused d,e, and f to occur, which hurt a lot of people. Because we want the best for our community, we must make sure this never happens again. This was bad for us.” It is radically honest but ultimately freeing in its admission. Good judgment informs compassion and action but is still its own distinct entity.

Pitfalls and Potentials of Compassion

The first pitfall of compassion, which I see all the time and have fallen into myself, is developing a savior complex. Problem-solving is not synonymous with “saving” people or becoming a life raft or blood supply for a person or situation. Of course, there are moments where your compassion can be lifesaving, but I am referring to the phenomenon where you take full responsibility for another person’s healing and try to become their “soul” or center when they need to be responsible for themselves. You can do everything within your power to get them the help and resources they need, but not at the expense of their own autonomy and self-development. For example, a healer can be a key player in someone’s healing journey, but they cannot do someone else’s inner work for them, even if they want to. We have community responsibilities and collective potentials for sure, but compassion knows that the individual has to contribute as well.

The second pitfall of compassion manifests as, instead of tapping into one’s sense of justice, making excuses for other people’s behaviors instead. One issue that has arisen in Sedona which has many people rather incensed is misdirected compassion for ped*philes. (Note: I realize there are different words for people attracted to minors based on the age of the minor, but I use ped*phile as an overarching term here.) Some spiritualists do their best to have balanced perspectives on everything and to show as much love and care as they can in every situation… but sometimes they take it a little too far and make excuses for people who do horrific things.

Compassion unaccompanied by a sense of justice will lead to destruction and cycles of re-victimization. So… With the rise of neo-fundamentalism in the new age right now, we are seeing a lot of elements of purity culture and modesty culture re-emerge in our creative fields. Men in the Sedona community will often whine about how they feel attracted to minors who wear certain clothing, and the spiritualists with a poor sense of justice are turning around and saying they “feel bad” for these men and telling younger girls to “cover up” more instead of addressing the problem. (Women can totally do this too, but it’s more common with men here.) Spiritual leaders make excuses for these people by saying that the ped*philes are “trying” and that we all need to do our part, but in instances like these, that is not the case at all. (This sounds very much like purity culture where women are told to cover up their bodies so that men do not experience temptation when Jesus actually told people, “And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out.” Matt. 18:9) A child should not be held responsible for an adult’s distorted pathology, nor should their body be sexualized, nor should a child “covering up” be a viable solution for a deep-rooted problem within adults. If a child needs to cover up around someone, then that someone needs to be addressed and removed from that child’s sphere completely.

Compassion can solve this problem by getting the ped*phile the help, resources, and counseling they need (And they absolutely DO need it… it is not normal to be attracted to minors.) and making sure they are not allowed near children. Compassion can understand that struggling with cultural taboos is hard, but it can do so without validating the taboo the person is grappling with or normalizing it. Perhaps the community could come together to fundraise so the person can get the mental help they need to address their inner issues, but sadly, misdirected compassion misplaces the “solution” as a victim’s responsibility. (And this situation assumes the ped*phile has not acted on their desires… If it’s a situation where they have, there need to be legal ramifications/some form of justice for that.) This is harmful and devastating to communities, and our children deserve better. It is also sad to see because the people pushing for the victim to solve the predator’s problem (which they can never do) indicates that those people have taken on burdens that were not theirs to bear and have most likely dismissed bad things that have happened to them. Compassion does not make excuses, nor is it dismissive. Predators will often look for people with misguided compassion so that they receive pity instead of accountability.  When in balance, compassion does not place responsibility on the wrong party. Compassion seeks justice first, then healing for the person who has done harm (and justice can arguably be healing for the people who have been hurt). The two things can emerge simultaneously in some cases, depending on the situation. Justice does not automatically equate to punishment, but there needs to be a transformative process where the person who was harmed is heard and allowed to lead their healing journey and the person who did harm is called in or called out, required to seek accountability, and given the resources they need to close out the process in the most beneficial way for everyone. (And yes, resources are far more useful than random “punishments” when addressing harm. Consequences can exist without enacting more senseless violence.)

One of the greatest potentials for compassion is ultimate creativity! What if we could all say: “No solution is beyond my reach. The path of justice guides my feet. My creativity heals worlds and invites the Best Self into being. There is no problem I cannot resolve, no complaint I cannot understand. My love unites entire lands. I do not fear suffering… I have sat in its tent. Ashes birth forests at my command. I teach all to treat honesty as a friend. There is no greater joy than devising a plan that walks hand-in-hand with each Being, to where they meet the most blissful form of themselves.”

Even though solutions are not always sunshine and roses, compassion finds the most beneficial route to well-being for everyone. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone/their community is a consequence for their actions so that they can learn, grow, or be removed from situations where they repeat harmful cycles. The consequence has to be transformative and teach or serve the person in a way that affects their future choices in a positive manner (or at least give them the tools to do so). Compassion requires courage because it creates through action in an even more informed way than judgment does on its own. It brings warmth, justice, understanding, and accountability to a table of conclusions and definitions so that the best world can be facilitated.

Discernment Bonuses

 We have broken down the discernment equation, which I think is the most applicable for developing the skill. However, it always helps to apply the concept on a more uniform scale since the steps for discernment can unfold very quickly in certain situations! It can all feel like it happens at once. (Sometimes you may have to take a step back and think for a moment.)

When writing this section, I had a very specific scenario in mind, which is quite a common one in Sedona, given how many “spiritualists” travel to our city. In 2017 we had a cult leader with a respectable following journey from Boulder, Colorado, to our little red rock city. Even though there were plenty of whistleblowers and critics right from the beginning (he made city news lol), many people still fell prey to this leader’s sway… Many got close enough to join his campaign and became romantically involved with him in some cases. Some people wanted their five minutes of fame, some wanted to grow their social media followings, but others truly did believe in the ridiculous things this leader propagated (all while living a very harmful lifestyle himself, facing allegations of abusing animals from when he was a child, and having a long track record of physically harming his followers… several of his followers also committed su*cide). How did this happen? This is not a true crime website and I am not going to deep dive into this specific situation, but I think the most helpful thing here would be to identify how these scenarios unfold in a general sense.

First, I will list a few ways I think leaders like the one who came to Sedona in 2017 gain success. None of these listings are meant to victim blame, but they are designed to create awareness. No one should ever be victimized no matter how vulnerable or confused about themselves they may be, but since that sadly does happen, bringing awareness to these things may help people avoid some common manipulation tactics.

What Predators and Manipulators Are Looking For

1.   The first thing they are looking for is vulnerability. Instantly, many of us may think of scenarios where someone’s physical vulnerability was recognized and exploited by a criminal, but vulnerability can take many forms… Emotional, spiritual, mental, and otherwise. Openness is a beautiful trait as is vulnerability, but sometimes people in spiritual realms are a little too open… And honestly, sometimes they are, due to no fault of their own, wounded and hurting people. Spiritual realms are excellent places for predators to gain a foothold because they are some of the most obvious spaces for hurting people to seek refuge and help. Understanding this will hopefully help you to think more about the spiritual leaders you follow or support and determine whether they really are facilitating everyone’s highest good. Are they truly helping people get the resources and help they need or are they capitalizing on those needs? Do they have the experience or academic credentials to provide proper assistance?

2.   They look for people with a “weak” or compromised sense of self. Many people come into spiritual communities looking for information about themselves: “Who was I in a past life? What color is my aura? How do I evolve through my midheaven?” In many cases, these questions foster self-awareness and generate some fun conversations. =) However, in other cases, the pursuit of identity exists because a person has a very poor sense of who they are. The ”what color is my aura” question can be a precursor to: “Please tell me who I am! I have no idea! I will accept what you say as truth.” We have all been there, even if it was back when we were kids trying to figure out where we fit in the world. The problem comes when we reach adulthood and are still not recognizing ourselves as the authorities in our own lives in terms of deciding what is right for us and wrong for us. It is normal to look to society and the community for help developing the moral compass, but I am talking about people who always want a leader to give them answers about themselves. Predators love this kind of person because when someone is not the autonomous, authoritative center of their own balance, the predator can creep in and become an authoritarian center for them. It starts with the feel-good love-bombing phase: “You are so awesome! You really rise above the rest. I can help you tap into your natural gifts and abilities.” Then it progresses into breaking down any last-line defenses and injecting their preferred definition (usefulness) into the person’s identity… It was terrifying how widespread this was in 2017 and how many people it worked on. We had victims of this kind of abuse starving themselves on grape juice cleanses that lasted for days, completely restructuring their home lives and belief systems to support the cult leader’s narrative, and sacrificing their own good judgment so that they would not seem to be “creating resistance” to spiritual flow.

3.   They are constantly mining you for information, even if it is just by watching you. Predators are fantastic at reading people and getting in touch with their superficial desires and interests (Hello, dark empath, my old friend…) They are quick to recognize the good things about you as well as your more rudimentary interests. (Ex: The common human desire to feel special or to be a chosen one. The desire to be accepted and find a family that automatically accepts you (this one is not as fluffy but is worthy of mention). The wish to be popular and have a constant dopamine drip of public attention, etc.) They will bait you with your desires and may even satisfy them in some way, but it is only a matter of time before they reel in the hook and have you at their disposal. Some of the most charming and seemingly “evolved” people are some of the darkest. Like Dr. Ramani Durvasula, (a popular clinical psychologist on the internet who talks about narcissism a lot), I instantly become suspicious of someone who is a little too charming… A little too lavish with compliments or the “hype you up” speeches. Almost everyone shows the best version of themselves to you first, and the dark ones will be testing how responsive you are to their praise and worship to assess how easily you can be controlled. Love the warm and supportive people in your life, but take your time getting to know the ones who are always “on” and performative during the honeymoon phase. Predators can be mean and nasty right from the get-go, but most of them are smart enough to know that they will “catch” more people if they act nice at first.

4.   Lastly, I am going to extract a phrase that many popular spiritualists have unwittingly misguided impressionable (suggestible) followers with, to the detriment of those people. In spiritual circles and Law of Attraction spaces, we are always told to give people “the benefit of the doubt.” While there are some situations to which this should be applied (Ex: Someone who rolls over your foot with a cart by accident in the grocery store is most likely not trying to hurt or frustrate you. They are most likely not an evil person.), I am a big fan in general of not giving people the benefit of the doubt. You do not have to jump to immediate accusations or demonizing smear campaigns, but instead of giving others the “benefit of the doubt” when they do something or say something that actually seems harmful, it is important to ask, “What did you mean by that? Did you intend for this to “land” the way that it did? Impact is more important than intention, and what you did/said was very hurtful even if you did not mean for it to be.” Then, let their follow-up actions and answers determine who they are. Remember, an apology is always accompanied by changed behavior, not just lip service.

Predators love people who always give the benefit of the doubt, because it means they can get away with almost anything if they act contrite or confused enough (without any real substance or remediation when they do wrong). If you are in doubt, ask questions. Seek more information. Do not leave your safety or the well-being of others to chance. Accountability is the antidote to “benefit of the doubt” rhetoric because it does not bypass reflection, analysis, judgment, or consequences when something is off. Any community or person who pushes the “don’t create resistance” narrative at the expense of deeper analysis or safety warrants rigorous examination. You are not less spiritual for being a whistleblower or calling foul. Skeptics make the world go round. =) We need more people with those qualities so that problems are addressed properly when they arise.

Some Questions to Ask

Now, I will list some questions that may help people cultivate discernment while they practice the smaller steps of empathy, judgment, and compassion. The questions will most likely help to inform the judgment portion more than anything.

This is not a comprehensive list if there even is such a thing within this topic, but the following are some questions I ask when I meet a person who sets off some warning bells in my head.

-       What does this person stand to gain from our relationship/interaction? What power imbalances could be present? (Power imbalances are not always indicative of a core problem in the relationship itself but are things we need to be aware of. For example, a person of color will be aware that a white friend holds more privilege than they do.  A woman may recognize that a man’s voice is more respected in their academic circles, etc.)

-       Is the person always “on?” Are they always performing or putting on a show?

-       How does the person react when being told “no?”

-       Why am I pursuing this relationship? Is it only to get something or is to care about the person with mutual satisfaction? (One of my friends in Sedona says that she initially pursued the cult leader of 2017 because she didn’t want to miss out on the social benefits of being part of the in-crowd. Thankfully, she realized that intention was not good enough before she was seriously hurt, though she witnessed some disturbing things.)

-       Does this person or situation require total openness or vulnerability without question? And do they require those things a little too quickly?

-       Does this person assume they have THE answer to any problem in someone else’s life?

-       Does this person demonstrate through regular action that they care about the other people in their life? Who are the other people? Are they down-to-earth, or do they all seem to be seeking celebrity status together? Are the “other people” always coming and going or being replaced?

-       Does the person talk down to me or act like they are in authority over my past, my pleasure, or my identity?

-       How does the person react/respond when someone perceives “weakness” or flaws in them? (We all have them.)

-       Does this person always frame themselves as a victim when they are questioned or challenged? Do they degrade critics as imbalanced or less spiritually evolved people?

-       Does this person elevate themselves above others or act as if they have some “wisdom” or knowledge no one else does?

-       Does this person dismiss my thoughts and opinions while jumping in with their home-grown version of “truth?”

-       If this person does have good intentions, there is still the chance of being misguided, which is common in spiritual circles. What are this person’s strongest influences and inspirations? Do they have a track record of having an unstable identity or constantly restricting their life to “fit” the trends in spirituality?

-       Am I getting any signals from my body or “gut” that something is off? (Sometimes the brain will notice little things that you may not consciously recognize right away. This is discussed in The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker which is a great book on personal safety.)

-       If this person wants to “help” me in some way, what credentials do they have? Are they an appropriate figure to seek help from? Is it an appropriate space for them to be offering the help they are suggesting?

- What positionalities or identities does this person hold? Is it appropriate for them to be speaking into my or my friends’ experiences?

-       What tools and techniques do I have to assess my current emotional or mental state at any given point? Do I know my own baseline for normalcy? Can I tell when I am no longer acting like myself or when I am stepping away from my authenticity? (This is meant in an imbalanced way, not in a normal day-to-day code-switching sense.)

Powerful Work, Potent Outcomes

Discernment is a powerful but often obscured idea. We all want to have it, but we don’t always have the steps to practice it! Even the Bible said, “Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from god,” (1 John 4:1) but then had no other helpful advice in that chapter in terms of everyday analyses (Like, thanks. That helps a lot haha.). It discusses love as a lens for discernment, but love can be faked, so my wish has been to expand on the idea of “testing” with applications that make sense in our modern world. I have mentioned a couple of Bible verses in this writing and do not condone the Bible as an overall moral system, but am wishing to point out that even in the deeply flawed christian mythology, there is relatively “good” advice not being received by the neo-fundie groups who use it as inspiration.

I hope that some of these steps and questions can at least get you started in terms of keeping yourself safe and recognizing the subtle nuances between and among different forms of stimuli. Each portion of the discernment equation (empathy, judgment, compassion) can take a lot of time to learn about, and my little article here did not provide a comprehensive course for developing each aspect in its entirety. My goal was to help direct focus to what the elements of discernment are so that you can seek out more resources for developing those things. Since discernment is such a foggy concept sometimes, it helps to have it broken down into steps and parts so that we know what to practice when we start exploring the idea.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs. The person standing in front of us will not always have the best of intentions… Or maybe they do, but they themselves have undeveloped discernment and do not have the best advice. Following our friends, heroes, and esteemed platformers will not always take us where we want to go. Life is a constant flurry of choices… Choose this. What do I do next? Do I like how that tastes? I am going to learn how to do [this]. Which color is my favorite?

With the creative potential we have, not just to distinguish [this] from [that], but to discover how we feel about things and what we do about them, so much of our own lives is in our hands. I want everyone to be as free and self-aware as possible and to have all the tools and skills to empower themselves to think clearly and live well. Thank you for being here and undertaking this journey and all its many lessons with me. <3

BONUS: How a German community addressed their ped*phile problem.

The following is a quote from the book Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha (Editor) and Ejeris Dixon (Editor).

“At this time, there is no existing support within the United States for treating people with pedophilic urges. Individuals who self-identify as having these desires have had to self-organize their own anonymous online support groups for nonoffending ped*philes. In contrast, Prevention Project Dunkelfeld developed a program in 2005 in Berlin, Germany, that offered treatment and support to anyone who stepped forward to seek help with ped*philic urges.

By March 2018, 9,515 people sought help from all over Germany, 2,894 people traveled to one of the sites for diagnosis and advice, 1,554 were offered a place in a therapeutic program, 925 participants have started the therapy, and 360 have successfully completed it. More than half reported having previously attempted to find therapy without success. Since 2011, the project has grown into a nationwide effort called ‘Don’t Offend’ with twelve centers that provide free weekly group therapy. The project’s slogan is ‘You are not guilty because of your sexual desire, but you are responsible for your sexual behavior.’”

This is a beautiful idea for cultivating community accountability, while also providing actual support and help. If Germany did it, why not Sedona (or other communities), even if it is on a smaller scale? We should never make excuses for people who cause harm, but we can create safe spaces for accountability and justice to be enacted. Organizations like this one can stop harm before it is caused and help people address the root issues that cause harm in the first place. I think it is brilliant. =)